Behind the Mask

Temperatures have started their fall descent, and frost is predicted for this evening. The scenery in my neighborhood is changing, too. Leaves are accumulating on lawns and sidewalks, and pumpkins are appearing on porches. Most are orange, but an occasional white or pale-orange pumpkin, complete with wart-like bumps, adds variety.

Before long, many will be carved into jack-o’-lanterns — at least those that escape the squirrels! With a candle inside, each will cast its own circle of light and shadow in the spirit of Halloween.

Halloween reminds us that appearances can be deceiving. When it comes to domestic violence, what we see — or think we know — often tells only part of the story.

More Than Bruises
When people hear domestic violence, they may picture a black eye, a broken bone or a police report. But violence can occur without a single punch, remain hidden for years and affect far more people than the person being abused.

An abusive partner may control every dollar, demand passwords, track a partner’s location, monitor text messages or dictate whom they can see. Insults, humiliation, threats and isolation can gradually undermine a person’s confidence and independence.

These behaviors may leave no visible bruises, but the harm is real. Fear, shame, financial dependence and concern for children can make speaking up difficult. The person experiencing abuse may be doing everything possible to keep it hidden.

When Shadows Spread
Children can suffer even when they aren’t physically harmed. Living with threats, intimidation or violence can undermine their sense of security and affect their sleep, behavior, schoolwork and relationships. Some blame themselves for what is happening; others become anxious or withdrawn.

The consequences can last well into adulthood. Exposure to domestic violence during childhood is associated with increased risks of anxiety, depression and other health problems. Children may also come to view controlling or abusive behavior as normal, potentially affecting their own adult relationships.

When Shadows Follow
Domestic violence doesn’t punch a time clock, but its effects can follow employees to work.

Someone who is frightened, exhausted or worried about personal safety may struggle to concentrate, miss work or have difficulty meeting usual responsibilities. An abusive partner may repeatedly call during the workday, interfere with employment or threaten to appear at the workplace.

Creating a safe workplace starts with recognizing that domestic violence is not just a personal issue; it has consequences for employees, employers and communities. The National Resource Center offers free resources and training to help employers, workers and advocates address domestic violence, sexual assault, stalking and sexual harassment in the workplace. Kalamazoo County, MI also sets an excellent example with its comprehensive, easy-to-use website connecting the public with domestic violence information and resources.

Domestic violence also has a troubling connection to gun violence. Research on mass shootings has identified histories of domestic violence among some perpetrators, and intimate partners and family members are often among the victims. Although domestic violence does not inevitably lead to public violence, recognizing threats and patterns of abuse can help protect people at risk.

Shine a Light
Domestic violence isn’t always easy to recognize, but understanding and compassion can make a difference.

Believe someone who shares an experience of violence. Listen without judgment, respect their choices and ask what support they need. Instead of asking, “Why don’t you just leave?” recognize that leaving can be complicated — and sometimes dangerous.

If you or someone you know needs support, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or visit thehotline.org.

This Halloween, look beyond the mask. The person who needs support may be closer than you think.

Happy reading,
Suzanne Daniels, Ph.D.